working with little kids is so dangerous. you get one kid who has a unique way of speaking & then spend the rest of your life with an internal monologue like “me’s go bathroom?”
other thrilling destructions of my vocabulary:
the kid who replaced his hard G sounds with soft ones, leaving me incapable of thinking of glasses as anything other than jlasses
kid who would holler “DID” any time she finished her work no matter how many times we told her to just raise her hand
kid who began her scary stories with “once a time” and her friend who began his with “paw time”
middle schooler i had during student teaching who pronounced magritte as “mah-gritty”
the kid who said “i got boogies comin out my nose” while sobbing and the kid who said “theres his puddle of cry” while describing a drawing, both of whom i think of when im crying
kid who said that if he was 80 he would get big and turn grandpa
kid who, for no reason in particular, would just say “like a little feet” as a standalone phrase in relation to nothing
edit how could i forget. the kid who got sneezed on and angrily said “whyd you blessyou on me”
speaking of peeing the bed it’s been long enough that i can tell this story publicly. in high school i went to a party at some house with no adults, as you sometimes would, and at the end of the night like 10 people all clonked out together in the same bed. fully clothed, one of those teenage moments where you’re like wow heehee how rule-breaking, because sure a lot of our parents wouldn’t like us sleeping in a bed with a bunch of other teenagers and no adult supervision blah blah. fond memories. anyway.
i’m an extremely light sleeper, so i barely slept, and sometime around 6 am, i woke up to a girl totally panicking, very quietly, because she peed the bed in her sleep. and listen. this wasn’t a group of mean kids by any measure. but there’s no level of kindness or understanding in the world that will make peeing the bed when you’re 17, surrounded by people you only sort of know, a gentle blow.
so i sat up and she was like “oh my god” and I signaled at her to be absolutely silent and I said I’d be right back. And I crawled over everyone and out of the bed like a stupid cat.
and the thing is, by senior year i wasn’t getting bullied much anymore. i was generally pretty well liked by my peers, but, if this makes sense, people still didn’t always expect very much from me. i was still figuring out how to mask (autistic) and i still often said or did something that made everyone remember i’m weird and they’d just be like “well. that’s story for you. i guess.” and for the most part i’d become pretty secure in that.
so what i’m saying is i had nothing to lose and this girl had everything to lose.
so i went downstairs and i made tomato soup. and by “made” i mean i put a whole can of tomato soup in a too-small mug and microwaved it until it was lukewarm so as to be convincingly “made” but not so hot to burn someone.
and then i walked back upstairs, and no longer like a cat, i clumsily “attempted” to crawl back into bed, loudly lost my balance, and spilled tomato soup all over the girl and her lap and several other people’s laps and heads and the mattress.
everyone woke up confused and anguished and i was like, “oh my god, I’m so sorry. I just got really hungry and it’s all i could find.”
and everyone immediately accepted with absolutely no further questions that I would go downstairs, make tomato soup at 6 am,and bring it back to bed. everyone just begrudgingly climbed onto the floor and went back to sleep while I put the bedding right into the laundry.
i don’t even know this girl’s name. i only remembered this story recently because i’m in my hometown for a few months and recently a high school acquaintance said, “hey. do you remember spilling soup on everyone after prom? why did you do that?” and for a moment i genuinely did not and i stared at them completely dumbfounded while the memory loaded and then i started laughing too hard to answer for 2 minutes.
the best part is i can tell this story, and even if it reaches the people who were there, none of them will know which one of them peed the bed. thanks to tomato soup.
people keep pointing out how bewildering this must have been from her point of view and it’s making me laugh to tears. i never considered it. i had such a solid plan in my head. i went downstairs to find something to dump on the bed and when i saw the tomato soup i knew it was perfect because it has a distinct smell that would cover anything else and a color which would do the same.
i was so focused on my mission that in the 14 years since i’ve never once considered what it must have been like for her to decide to trust me because she had no other options, sit there in anguish for three minutes, and then watch me walk back into the room and dump soup on everyone.
we need to invent a spray tan-style treatment but instead of spraying you with tanning stuff it sprays you with heavy duty spf. and it lasts a few weeks so that way you can just get your spf spray a few times a summer instead of having to spend 10 minutes every day getting sticky and oily and making sure the sunscreen is all rubbed in. how do i get on shark tank
I don’t think I can stress enough how many people on here need a hobby like 95% of what people refer to as jobless behavior is actually just hobbyless behavior. Take up watercolors or tabletop or join a hiking group or something you probably won’t feel as much of an incessant need to freak out on the internet every day
I want to own a house and have a garden in the back and a fruit tree in front and I want to tell the neighborhood kids that they can come pick the fruits when they want as long as they leave some for others, and I want to host dinners for friends and make too much food and make everyone go home with some leftovers, and I want to grow vegetables in my garden and beg my neighbors to take all this zucchini off my hands or I’ll have to eat zucchini for every meal for the next few months, and I want to give and feed and love but I need more goddamn money first
If this post gets 1k notes I’ll start a vegetable garden in my tiny apartment balcony
i don’t need a “day off” or a “weekend” i need to respawn in a clean apartment with all my responsibilities reset and the complete certainty that nobody hates me
Being ace and hot is a nightmare sometimes, I met this guy in my neighborhood, we live literally 200m away from each other, he’s funny and witty and a genuine delight to talk to, and YESTERDAY he makes it clear he’s flirting so now I’m trying to figure out how to turn him down and also throw my single friends at him because he really is a great catch, but I don’t eat fish so he’s wasted on me.
So now I have to figure out how to say ‘I think, based on your tastes, I have some girlfriends you might like and they’d love to take you home, doggy walking same time next week?’ in human speak.
Task failed abysmally, I’m having a threesome on Tuesday. My job is to look pretty and hand over the props.
That was fun, amd I learned some things about myself! Namely that I would make an excellent scantly-clad servant bowing to a sadistic evil queen. 10/10 would do it again.
Please stop reblogging this, if it ends up on Tiktok some teenybopper is gonna call me bad ace representation.
i love the phrase “which could mean nothing” i think its my favorite thing to come out of the internet ever i love saying it. it could mean nothing but we all know better. we know the truth.
girls love developing debilitating crushes on their friends. it’s one of girls’ favourite pastimes even
we asked ten million billion girls “who is your favouritest person to fall in love with” and the number one answer was “a friend that we absolutely shouldn’t under any circumstances fall madly in love with” with 97% of the vote
ALT
